They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I think I’ll stand
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My boss called in sick of me
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?