Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
You Might Also Like
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.