Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.