welp
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??