welp
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Merry Christmas
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.