“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
fly smarter, not harder
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
PLOT TWIST:
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*