[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.