[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
That’s enough internet for the day
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours