Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?