went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine