Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.