@lovemydogduck: Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts... even my eyelashes.
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@Robert_Beau: I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
@MableGertrude: No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
@zachv86: I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.
@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.