@lovemydogduck: Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts... even my eyelashes.
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@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
@WilliamAder: Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
@XplodingUnicorn: [buys plastic lightsabers for the kids] 5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken. Me: What's wrong with it? 5: It doesn't even cut off arms.
@QwertyJones3: Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.