@lovemydogduck: Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts... even my eyelashes.
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@david8hughes: [ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
@davedittell: WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!
@Laser_Cat: Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we're having a burrito fountain.