Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Teach your children to beatbox
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
How I like cutting carbs
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
2022 be like
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.