Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.