Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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got so much cardio in today
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Do not steal food from the science building!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
This came to me in a dream.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?