Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Same post same
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts