Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.