Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.