Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.