Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it