@Brianhopecomedy: Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.
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@vexroid: All I'm saying is that the cheese grater wouldn't have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
@paperphotoyo: Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.
@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]
@byronblurb: Me: My head hasn't been in the right place lately. GF: You might want to check up your ass.