@Brianhopecomedy: Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.
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@Reverend_Scott: Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile. Robin: I'm so excited! *curtain opens* Robin: Bruce, that's a car bed... Batman: You're welcome.
@longwall26: To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
@CauseWereGuys: I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.