The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。