I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
The Assassin.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You deplete me
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.