Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better