Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Raisins are grape jerky.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.