Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
boat question
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.