Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.