Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.