Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Perfect.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.