@CaptainJerkwad: Went to a restaurant. The sign said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
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@graceful_asfuck: Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.
@bobbiejo448: Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It's to the point that Google even knows when I'm high.
@Audenary: Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows. *Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*