With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height