@JAdomian: Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but "what if the Nazis didn't care about fitness?" comes close.
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@Brampersandon_: Wife: You're so predictable Me: Yeah? I bet u didn't see this coming *I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho* Me: Damn
@jonnysun: 5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed one fell off & bumped his head called the doctor & the doctor said U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
@WilliamAder: We have a local weatherman who often forecasts "changeable skies." He makes a lot of money to make that call.
@ashmensch: *guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.