Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
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“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
crazy
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH