Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember