Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I’m not lazy
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
some Old Testament wisdom
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot