Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.