@Dutch_50: Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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@ThePocketJustin: The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
@WhatevaConc: A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
@_Water_Baby: I cry way more when I'm angry than when I'm sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.