Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Swedish for common sense.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
decorating my apartment
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.