Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
not to brag, but mine was free
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.