Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know