@losdrogas: went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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@OuterJohn: 1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@joci2203: "Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe" -straight up killin' it at this parenting thing
@skullpuppy11: My cat said "meow", so I answered with a "meow", and now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.