went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”