Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.