God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
You Might Also Like
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
welcome back
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text