Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.