@Robski_Boy: Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn't expecting me ?
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@NewDadNotes: Me: [every single day for 18 months] da da...say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa...daaaa da Daughter: Me: shit Daughter: shit
@Ideal_Victoria: On the list of things I've learned today: 1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog 2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
@_sinistroll: ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO! COWORKER: Amanda. ME: Why would you assume it's a man?
@daemonic3: Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!? "Mom, it's-" *dad makes throat slice gesture* "No one, Mom. No one"