Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*