@WilliamAder: Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@markleggett: I don't see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world's problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.
@toastymoe: One of my co-workers just called the elevator a "vator". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...