@WilliamAder: Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
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@theshamingofjay: Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.
@TheOnlyMANiC: Imagine Putting £5 worth of fuel in your car and your cars like "well, since we're both being childish" And refuses to open the door.
@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
@MartaEffing: Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it? Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It's donut glaze.