Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.