Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise