@slimmy_shady: Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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@UncleDuke1969: [cockroach crawls by] Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war? *looks down* *squishes it with shoe* Me: Not that one.
@better_off_dad: *At demonstration *grabs megaphone - stands on car 'DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?'
@13spencer: Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can't you moisturize?
@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.