Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.