Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.