Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Practicing safe sax
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.