Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.