Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Snapes on a plane.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(