@WilliamAder: Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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@david8hughes: [feeding baby] Wife: here comes the airplane Me whispering in baby's ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don't end here
@Tommytoughstuff: *pulls away from kissing* JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you're still guilty.
@EJGomez: "We can't hire you. We're trying to get more diverse" ME: But I'm Hispanic [A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit] ME: Aw man