@WilliamAder: Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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@dumbbeezie: Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
@NicestHippo: I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker
@TheToddWilliams: Boss: It's been a tough year Jim J: Am I laid off? B: No J: Fired? B: No J: What then? B: You're to be executed at noon. J: This is bullshit
@heyevergreen: My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars