@WilliamAder: Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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@CatherineLMK: "Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history" -my relatives
@Fred_Delicious: Me - "did Benjamin Button's pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?" Doctor - "no I meant what seems to be the problem with you"
@iliezabeth: [suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight K: Its chips & salsa M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*